I started 2017 with a deep seated feeling that something BIG was going to change this year and the curiosity grew within me over those early months to the point where I found myself in a low and dark place feeling insecure about myself and unhappy with my life. I hadn’t admitted to myself before but I had been in a silent internal battle with myself for years, fighting the fact that I should be happy with the life I had living the South of France – after all I was “Living the Dream” as people would tell me. I felt guilty I wasn’t completely fulfilled with the opportunities life had presented.
For the 6 and a half years I lived there I never felt like I was at home and every time we moved I would pray the next house would give me the feeling I was longing for and provide the security I deeply craved, but it never came, just emptiness and disappointment instead. I recently realised that I was just a girl when I moved, I didn’t really know what was important to me, I didn’t really have deep core values or a religion to turn to so the truth is that I was a bit lost. But, being a strong, determined hot headed Scorpion that I am, I am not one to let that beat me and in fact the internal turmoil inspired me to search, seek and learn. And that IS exactly what I did and I created a business that I love, I found my passion and path that inspires me and more importantly I discovered the woman/mother/wife that I am and I want to be, my values started to show themselves but as they did I realised that things weren’t aligning with the life that I was actually living.
Luckily this low patch didn’t last long as I have learnt over the years how to trust myself when I hit the bottom and how to go within for the answers rather than look for outside temporary fixes as I used to. I have learnt how to ask for help to those around me but more importantly to my higher self, I also found that asking for signs proved to give me the guidance that I needed and would present me with signs in threes, just to make sure that my slightly skeptical mind got the message!
My health had also really suffered over the years and at the beginning of 2014 I was finally diagnosed with severe Adrenal Fatigue, I saw a specialist who told me my results were in the lowest 5% of all of the thousands and thousands of patients he had seen – “how on earth are you even getting out of bed every day” he asked. I crumbled but as I mentioned I am not one to be beaten so made it my mission to heal naturally and regain my energy. I made many dietary and lifestyle changes and gradually my energy came back a little (to about 40%) but still I felt that I was surviving the days and not thriving as a Health and Wellness Coach should which to be honest made me feel like failure – “how can I help anyone if I can’t help myself” I would constantly think. As the impatient person that I am I wanted the quick fix then and there so had to learn to surrender, trust and well, wait! Again I was amazed that when I did I noticed another breakthrough – when I came home to the UK my energy peaked then when I would return to Monaco it would dip again, I followed this for about 6 months before trusting it and realising that this was another sign.
As I slowed down I noticed more important factors which weren’t sitting right with me such as the schooling system for the kids, the difficulties of not speaking French and setting up a business in a country which is culturally different. All of a sudden it was like all the pieces of a puzzle came together and I knew, I had to go home.
After reading and loving The Surrender Experiment by Micheal Singer which I loved I had been experimenting with the flow of life and believed that if it was meant to be then everything would stack up easily for the transition into a new life, and that is exactly what happened we found a house and schools easily and within 4 months I am now in my new home, back home in the UK – a lot colder than I was but happier and that deep seated part of me feeling grounded, secure and finally satisfied.
This has been the hardest decision I have ever had to make in my life and I doubted myself more than once, worrying about the kids and us all starting over again but these thoughts were quickly relieved with a deep knowing and voice within saying – “this IS the right thing – just TRUST”. So I did and this marks the beginning of the NEXT chapter.
I have absolutely no idea what is next for me, but I am ok with that and excited for whatever comes next.